Sources Say...

Reports are emerging of a new bill being considered that would require every US citizen to start their day with the pledge performed before a makeshift “pledge station” in their home. The rumors are that the bill was initiated after Trump learned about the North Korean policy requiring every home in that country to have a shrine to its dictators, current and past. US “pledge stations” would be supplied with an American flag and a portrait of the president.

Democrats initially balked at the cult-like behavior required, until they looked at elements of their own base, at which point they merely proposed an amendment. Two new versions of the Pledge would be offered, one mandatory for Republican supporters and the other for Democrats. 

Independent voters would be allowed to use the original pledge, albeit replacing the word flag with “my own intellectual superiority,” and the addition of “under God” would now instead read, “coexisting” but spelled out like the bumper sticker, with religious symbols replacing each letter.

The new pledges would be as follows: 

I pledge allegiance to Party
in these divided states of America
and to the National Heritage for which it stands
one nation, under Lord Trump, divisible
with tax breaks and favors for all... his friends, as long he is pleased with them 

 or

I pledge allegiance to the Party
in these divided states of America
and to the Marxism for which it stands
one nation, under Lord Bernie, divisible
with abortions and hand outs for all... the peons, whom he rules over with practiced benevolence 

Ben Franklin’s ghost, reached for comment in the beyond, is reported to have said: “To be honest, I’m shocked you kept the republic as long as you did!